Friday, July 26, 2002

Well I must say that a night of drunken etc. rambling goes a long way to restore peace of mind, if used judiciously. God knows I am all too glad my wife is out of town because I am, at 3AM, wasted drunk. I had the best time. Got a whole lot off of my chest, I must say. Let's see what good it does me, hey?

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

I just read through my archives. I used to be so much more thoughtful than I am now. What the fuck has been happening to me that I abandoned myself? Did I really think that I would feel better if I just shut up and ignored my sould and spirit? Did I think that keeping the peace was more important than telling the truth, at least to myself? I wouldn't know the truth now if it came up and shool me by the hand. I have become pretty fragile. i used to be so robust and strong, too. Now I feel as if a breeze might shatter me.
I'm pioneering new ways to despair. I lie awake and think horrible thoughts and wish for cancer. I fantasize about bullets tearing through my body, plan suicidal hikes and drives. I feel sorry for myself and then feel contempt at my own self-pity. I turn 37 in two weeks and have accomplished nothing of what I dreamed of doing in my youth. I haven't even been to Europe. I feel numb and hopeless, worse than I have felt in my memory. It seems that I have comprimised everything I am for everything that I thought my wife wanted me to be. And as a result I have lost what grip I had upon myself. It was always tenuous at best.
Sound familiar? I certainly hope not. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.