Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Every so often it's nice to pretend you are someone else.

From An IM chat I had earlier:

Sub2rainEN: Hi, sorry I keep missing you on IG. It stinks.
telesphory: no lie there. sucks
Sub2rainEN: Yep.
telesphory: how are you?
Sub2rainEN: So does this mean we're both narcissists?
Sub2rainEN: Fine and you?
Sub2rainEN: What are the odds of you finding another mirror photo, though, that's the thing.
telesphory: very well, thanks. had a bit of wine earlier.
telesphory: ah, long odds
Sub2rainEN: Always helps.
telesphory: one thread behind.
Sub2rainEN: Yeah, not like it is something you could search by in the matches.
telesphory: sure.
telesphory: What did you have for dinner?
Sub2rainEN: Pork chops and applesauce
telesphory: wow.
telesphory: very american.
telesphory: or maybe chinese
Sub2rainEN: Nope, a Brady Bunch line. One pork chop with apples.
telesphory: peter being bogart.
Sub2rainEN: plus wilted asparagus. They packed up the salad bar before I had a chance.
Sub2rainEN: Yep
telesphory: I hate that. Smearing up the sneeze guard.
telesphory: Dinner at beefstael charlies?
telesphory: beefsteak, I mean?
telesphory: Although stael works, too.
Sub2rainEN: Nope, there are meals included where I live.
telesphory: Ah. Are you institutionalized, by chance?
telesphory: Not that there's anything WRONG with that...
telesphory: Or perhaps a school?
Sub2rainEN: LOL (really), no...but sometimes it feels that way. It's like a dorm, so I can relive college in perpetuity.
Sub2rainEN: Yes, but you thought institutionalized first. Very telling.
telesphory: Well, it IS New York.
Sub2rainEN: True.
telesphory: Giuilani's gone. Be very like Bloomberg to put Internet terminals at riker's...
Sub2rainEN: Thought I met far more freaks in the suburbs. Nothing else to do, I guess.
telesphory: That's all of America, my dear
telesphory: I'm looking out at 44th street right now.
telesphory: Times Square is so fucking clean it breaks my heart...
Sub2rainEN: I didn't realize the Chrysler building was lit all night.
telesphory: really?
Sub2rainEN: I'm looking at it now.
Sub2rainEN: ESB is dark.
telesphory: I can't see it from my window.
telesphory: Red White and Blue most of the time.
telesphory: My block is lit like Christmas.
Sub2rainEN: Yep, it was tonight, but it's already turned off tonight.
telesphory: Wonder why...
Sub2rainEN: I think it goes off at midnight or 1.
telesphory: Maybe for peace in the Middle East?
Sub2rainEN: No, it was on earlier.
telesphory: Oh yeah...
Sub2rainEN: I figured the Chrysler kept a similar schedule.
telesphory: So, the dorm thing...
Sub2rainEN: Yes?
telesphory: never heard of meals included before.
telesphory: Rent control, yes. rent stabilization, yes..
Sub2rainEN: It's a hotel for women. Most of them include meals.
telesphory: but MEALS?
telesphory: Ah...
telesphory: I don't qualify.
Sub2rainEN: I guess most people think those went the way of virgins in the '60s
telesphory: Virgins in the 60's had a rough go...
telesphory: The Kennedy years and all
Sub2rainEN: Nope, but some take senior citizens. Some are all men and they are cheaper.
telesphory: I've been in a few now at again. They all seem to be named St. James.
Sub2rainEN: Hadn't heard of that one.
telesphory: So, you really can't think of a lie? Good or bad?
telesphory: Or was that just for the ad?
Sub2rainEN: No, I couldn't at the time. Sure I've told plenty!
telesphory: Oh yes.
telesphory: Unavoidable in a polite society.
Sub2rainEN: But not one that seemed particularly interesting.
telesphory: What do you dream about?
telesphory: If you don't mind me asking?
Sub2rainEN: So often I don't remember.
telesphory: Lie or dream?
Sub2rainEN: Dreams -- often mundane. Like I'm at work/school and something happens, a certain person comes up or calls. Really dull, the ones I remember.
Sometimes I get chased by a killer.
telesphory: I like the little warn icon at the bottom of AIM. So telling of the kinds of converstations one has here.
Sub2rainEN: You?
Sub2rainEN: I don't have as many problems on AIM as ICQ -- get all sorts of marketing crap and porn URLs on that.
telesphory: Oh, i dream of places mostly. An airport. A mountain city. People I barely remember. Sometimes it's really nice, sometimes not.
telesphory: Oh yeah. Hotmail is the wprst for that stuff.
telesphory: Not that this is one of those conversations, mind you...
Sub2rainEN: I know! AOL was pretty bad when I had it. Friends on AOL inevitably delete messages from their friends by accident, wading through all the spam.
Sub2rainEN: Thank you.
telesphory: Do you work? I mean, a job and all that? Your profile said you're a writer...
telesphory: A tough go in the best of times
telesphory: I mean, it is late and all
Sub2rainEN: I had a job. Got fired last week. Or, as I like to think of it, emancipated.
Sub2rainEN: Yourself?
telesphory: Ah. What happened.
telesphory: ?
Sub2rainEN: It was secretarial, paid the bills anyway. But I need time to write and create and pursue freelance stuff. So the entire time I was there, I begged to have an appropriate work area or at least a few hours a week so I could do the more complex stuff, that required concentration. My desk was in a hallway for months, even during construction (jackhammering!). Then I got moved by the copier.
telesphory: Jesus. No. I fortunately or unfortunately do not work. It's weird. My great-grandfather Lucius was one of the Ball brothers.
Sub2rainEN: It was bad news. I wrote my boss a memo asking to work from home a half day a week or somewhere more secluded at work for an hour or so a day, so I could keep up. His response was that he couldn't meet my demands for a private office (which I never mentioned).
telesphory: Ball Jar. I'm sure you've seen one.
Sub2rainEN: I've owned a few.
telesphory: That man is an ass.
telesphory: You'd probably work more. Guilt is so much more motivating than shame.
Sub2rainEN: I had to force the issue. It's one thing to have a day job and I'm the kind of person who has a work ethic. But I am also creative and need to have a life, so I'm not willing to work overtime and take work home after working a full day, everyday, just to get by and still be behind. Screw that!
telesphory: So anyway, I had money jammed down my throat. Being weathy is really weird. really guilty. If you are born to money you lose the American dream. It's reversed, actually. Fitzgerald had it all wrong.
telesphory: Yeah, screw that.
telesphory: Good for you. Ethics are so misunderstood.
telesphory: Unfortunately, the culture says you are what you do.
Sub2rainEN: Hmmmm...never thought of it that way. Though recently I had a crush on a boy who I thought might have money and it made me uncomfortable. It can be hard to cross class boundaries.
Sub2rainEN: Not that I'm a person who believes in such things, but it can become an issue.
telesphory: This is the US, tough. It's not class. It's money. If you found fifty million in a suitcase it'd be the same as if you were a Kennedy.
telesphory: Not so in England, but the whole country needs to take a good crap in my opinion.
Sub2rainEN: What kills me is when money becomes an issue in dating. I've heard so many guys complain that women only date guys with money and that is the only thing women find attractive about guys. It's funny, that's never been a consideration for me. It never occured to me anyone else would "take care of" me but me.
Sub2rainEN: We do still have a line between new and old money.
telesphory: Maybe it's that money will make men confident. Or feel imprtant. Oddly, I usually hide it as much as I can. Grifters, cons and so forth are all over. I'm young, but I've been educated by some hard cases. I used to run away a lot. Stayed at some hotels near the Bowery, actually. Park Ave to the Bowery by way of Yellow cab.
Sub2rainEN: Which I'm reminded of whenever I see "Cribs"
telesphory: Yes, there is a line, but it's not as etched as you miiight tink. It's manners mostly. I've met some very courtly homeless before.
telesphory: Cribs?
Sub2rainEN: Nope, the complaint insinuated that all women were gold diggers.
telesphory: Like men aren't.
telesphory: That man was an ass, my dear. An absolute ass.
Sub2rainEN: It's a show on MTV, where they go to pop stars' homes. Really tacky.
telesphory: Ah. I have a big ass stereo but no TV whatever.I am wary of "any" "all" "Always" and "never"
Sub2rainEN: It wasn't just one man, I've heard it again and again. It's like we're living in a Marilyn Monroe movie and the only possibility is women trading their looks for money. What of ugly women and poor men?
telesphory: Although I saw Fear Factor once in a bar.
telesphory: The best they could do, toots!
telesphory: No, seriously. NY has been about $$ since day one.
telesphory: Not unlikely that many people share that callow philosophy
telesphory: And there is some truth to it, but generalities are largely nonesense.
telesphory: men and women both are gold diggers. With no diggers there'd be no rush.
telesphory: Ball made it's money on canning, you know.
Sub2rainEN: Yep
telesphory: Frugal women with big gardens.
telesphory: Tomatoes. Peas. Corn.
telesphory: they were spud diggers. And their men were poor.
telesphory: its
telesphory: I mean
telesphory: Do you live in a basement, perchance?
Sub2rainEN: Nope. Often work in them, though.
telesphory: I thought with your moniker...
Sub2rainEN: I was reading Kerouac at the time.
telesphory: Ah. Normal Mailer said that On the Road was "typing"
Sub2rainEN: LOL
telesphory: But then again, he stabbed his wife at a cocktail party.
Sub2rainEN: I never finished the book, I couldn't get into it.
telesphory: Short man complex, you know?
telesphory: On the Road is very depressing. It's a gay love story, i think.
telesphory: I think Jack was in love with Neal Cassady (Dean)
telesphory: he sure is mooney over hime
telesphory: I like Bukowski pretty well. John fante. Alice Munro.
Sub2rainEN: I never got into that one, either. Boring and pretentious.
telesphory: A young man's writing. A cultural event. Not very interesting except as an artifact.
Sub2rainEN: Guess that's it. I missed the boat on that one.
telesphory: Who do you read?
telesphory: Say, you like the Brothers Johnson?
telesphory: For music, i mean?
Sub2rainEN: Haven't been reading lately, but some favorites are Plath, Margaret Atwood, Fitzgerald. Haven't read nearly enough.
telesphory: I like Sylvia well, but her death haunts me. Which Fitzgerald do you like?
Sub2rainEN: Gatsby. Tender is the Night I didn't get at the time. I think I was too young to understand the whole relationship.
Sub2rainEN: Bernice Bobs Her Hair
telesphory: Fitzgerald was all over the rich. He was in love with whole idea of big money.
Sub2rainEN: I'm reading Plath's journals and the writing is phenomenal. Better than many writers' published work.
telesphory: His story "The Diamond as big as the Ritz" was written like porn.
telesphory: Oh, she had talent. When she offed herself her husband Ted wrote The Iron Giant for their kids.
Sub2rainEN: Yeah, he had a morbid fascination with the rich and fitting among them.
telesphory: he was pretty gross about it. Married to a lunatic didn't help. Neither did the drinking. Hemingway's A Movable Feast is a must-read for the Scotty fan.
Sub2rainEN: I've been realizing with this job how sucked into that world I've become. I don't have any room in my brain for the things that are important to me, like books and music. I'd been thinking of quitting, taking something with a lower salary and lower demands, so I can have a brain again.
telesphory: It's hard.
telesphory: You get out to see music much?
Sub2rainEN: True, it's an expensive city.
telesphory: jesus, yes.
Sub2rainEN: No, I've completely lost touch with music.
telesphory: Because it's expensive?
Sub2rainEN: I've been thinking back to about 5 years ago. I made half as much, but had far less stress, always made the time to read and write and have adventures. Somewhere along the line, I drifted from that carefree self.
Sub2rainEN: Partly the expense, partly just losing touch with what was going on in the world in general.
telesphory: You have anyinterest in seeing Elvin Jones on Saturday night at the Blue note?
telesphory: I could send a car for you
telesphory: And be in it, of course...
Sub2rainEN: I just made a date for Saturday night. That's a sweet offer, though.
telesphory: Ah, my luck
Sub2rainEN: I've been meaning to hit the Blue Note.
I lie, I went to BB King's a few months back to see the New Jazz All Stars or somesuch. Only because a friend was in from London.
Sub2rainEN: Thank goodness he came to town. It was so great to listen to music, have a nice meal, drink a few bottles of wine.
telesphory: That's a cool place. I slipped out to see the Mahavishnu Project at Bottom Line a couple weeks ago.It's really hard to meet anyone. My friend took that horrific pic of me for the ad. He said that the ladies would like it.
Sub2rainEN: LOL
Sub2rainEN: I wouldn't think attractive people would have a problem in this town.
telesphory: My butler, actually. If you can believe it. My parents sort of keep watch one me, you know?
telesphory: I'm of age and everything, but they are somewhat unimpressed with my self-discipline.
Sub2rainEN: Sure, my parents would, if they could.
telesphory: Mine can and do.
telesphory: I'm in the bedroom typing this on my laptop.
telesphory: They don't live here, but I am almost never alone.
Sub2rainEN: Me too. Of course, all I have is a bedroom!
Sub2rainEN: It's terribly ironic that this is the kind of place good families sent their daughters in the '50s to keep them pure in the big, rotten apple.
telesphory: that's the Bell Jar. Rehab and all. They don;t trust me. One weekend I flew thirty perople I hardly knew to Paris and we all partied for about four days until my dad put a stop to it.
telesphory: It was ugly. Paris is a big town for E and we were EEEEEEEEEEEEEEing hard.
Sub2rainEN: I spent my rent money on a weekend in New Orleans last month. It's just a matter of scale.
telesphory: I think you've got me beat. But being busted by French hotel police when you're frying is no picnic.
telesphory: I like you, Sub2rainEN.
Sub2rainEN: I beat up a guy who I thought broke into a neighbor's apartment and had to talk to the cops while stoned out of my mind, courtesy of the local homeless hippie godmother of Haight Street. Talk about paranoia!
Sub2rainEN: Thanks, you're cool yourself.
telesphory: Beat him up? Right on.
telesphory: My name is Luc. Lucius Ball IV. Lucius Ball the Last, I am prone to calling myself.
Sub2rainEN: I thought he'd broken in and was lying in wait for a girl who lived there to come home. He was drunk and humping her bed when I got up there. It sickened me. I dragged him down the stairs.
telesphory: Cool!

Sub2rainEN: LOL
telesphory: I hear someone stirring. My door is locked, though
telesphory: Isn't this sad? I feel like Bruce Wayne.
telesphory: The butler's name is Alfred, by the way. Swear to fucking god.
telesphory: My parents are really sadistic.
Sub2rainEN: Hilarious
Sub2rainEN: Could be worse.
telesphory: He's a great guy. Big black man from Trinidad. Huge stiner, which is nice and not so nice.
Sub2rainEN: They could be sadistic AND poor. Ha!
telesphory: stoner, I mean.
Sub2rainEN: A stoned Triney butler named Alfred. Too much.
telesphory: I could deal with that. A sadist with money is raw indeed. I tell you. Imagine you are on your own, having fun and you get nailed. Wham.
telesphory: Yeah, he's cool. But hard, too. He likes Elvin Jones, so off we go to Elvin Jones.
telesphory: I could run. I might. I've tried before, but I get caught by my cards.
telesphory: You know? I can't get enough cash to go far. I'd need top shrug it all and get a job, I suppose. Then my story'd be worth telling.
Sub2rainEN: I've been on my own for years and my mom still nags me, as if she has a right to say anything about how I spend my money or live my life. Parents are parents.
telesphory: Yes, I suppose they are. i'm envious, though. I feel pretty useless most of the time.I suppose my time is coming. Sooner or later I'll be free.
Sub2rainEN: You could plan ahead, buy a coach ticket with cash and horde a bit of cash for a month or two.
telesphory: I need probably six months to stay ahead of the detectives. I'm watched, too. Likely this session will be gone over at some point. Even my laptop is not my own.
Sub2rainEN: Once I took Greyhound across country for a month. I only spent $1500 for rooms, meals, souveneirs, tours, everything.
Sub2rainEN: Then don't log it.
telesphory: Greyhound is a great idea. Maybe I could fly somewhere like El Paso and take the bus from there, eh?
Sub2rainEN: I started the trip at the Port Authority. They have passes for 2-8 weeks. A lot of people turn their nose up at Greyhound, but it was one of the best things I ever did. NY-CA.
telesphory: Oh, I don't. But somehow it gets found. I use a Windows machine and I think it leaves a log wheter you want it to or not.
telesphory: NY-CA?
telesphory: Cool.
telesphory: Do you keep this AOL handle? Could I reach at it another time?
Sub2rainEN: Yep, it was a blast. Stayed in youth hostels -- cheaper and you meet people. I still keep in touch with some of the people I met on that trip.
Sub2rainEN: Yep, I've had this handle for years.
telesphory: very nice. I've got to go just now, but I've enjoyed our chat very much.
Sub2rainEN: As long as you're an adult, do what you want. You have to decide if you'll be controlled by the money.
Sub2rainEN: Kind of how I decided about my job, but on a different scale.
Sub2rainEN: Thanks, I enjoyed it too. Have fun on Saturday. Heck, everyday!
telesphory: I'll write you again soon. Maybe I'll do it, you know? I'm 21, so what can they do to me? I'm supposed to go to Harvard Law in the fall, but it's about as appealing as a bad sunburn just now. Maybe I'll fuck with them and go running for a bit.
telesphory: You're a treat. Take care.
Sub2rainEN: Enjoy your life, if Sept 11 taught us anything, it's that it's too short to take for granted.