Wednesday, August 29, 2001

After today i am unsure what to believe about anything. I know that grief is hard, I know that loss is hard. I've experienced it. But today I feel I have lost something I can never regain and that everything I've ever believed is a bunch of lies and shit.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel better, but for now I have nothing, nothing left. I am as low as I have ever been, perhaps only because for a while I somehow believed that things might be different.

The despair that one feels at the brink of suicide is not unfamiliar to me, and yet never have I felt it so strongly than at this moment. The things that hold me are my belief in karma, afterlife and commitment. I would not be so selfish as to inflict my loved ones such a permanent pain. Mine, I must assume, is temporary.

I am glad of my years because they give me strength. But not, now, hope. Frankly, I am terrified of my future, once so hopeful. I see aught but peril at each turn but cannot leave the path I am on. I detest myself for a lack of strength. I simply must close my eyes and trust.

It is the darkest day of my life and I have never felt so alone.

Monday, August 27, 2001

Blow after blow befalls us. Haley's grandmother had a stroke and is not expected to live more than a few more hours. We are aghast at the recent events. Each day we wonder if it cannot get worse (answer is, as always, yes). I am unsure how this is happening, but it is true that when things start going badly they will often keep heading downward.

Throughout it all, though, we continue to grow closer and closer, leaning on each other as never before. That's what it is all about, I guess. We feel strong in our love and commitment.

Sunday, August 26, 2001

My friend Dave wrote this a few years ago. I assume he still feels this way... some things don't change.

I'm not patient enough to have kids.

I'm not good enough to be in a band.

I'm not fast enough to race.

I'm not smart enough to run the business.

I'm not good enough to make it.

I'm not graceful.

I'm not organized.

I'm not flexible.

I'm not healthy enough to live a long time.

I can't sing.

I can't keep time.

I can't stay focused.

I can't control my emotions.

I can't remember names.

I can't avoid complications.

I can't relax.

I don't learn well from books.

I don't plan.

I don't know what to do.

I don't fit in.

I don't see me as others see me.

I don't know what she expects.

I don't dress well.

I don't have good looking arms

. I don't read enough.

I don't have what it takes.

I don't listen.

I drink too much coffee.

I drink too many beers.

I eat too much fat.

I am judgemental.

I am bitter.

I am easily frustrated.

I am easily confused.

I am easily discouraged.

I am a little child.

I seek approval from others.

I forget everything.

I remember the bad stuff.

I am a slow learner.

I am messy.

I am full of regrets.

I am full of fear.

I always say the wrong thing.

I play it safe.

I am resentful.
Our beagle is cowering at my feet, a supplicant for God knows what.

Today I killed a dog I've had for ten years.

Oscar attacked Mr. Plymouth in the dog park, viciously biting him on the muzzle. He bit Haley on the hand. A policeman drove up and maced both dogs. Oscar was clearly at fault.

I drove to the animal control and paid 25.00 and had him euthanized.

That's all.